A Life Well Lived
The Art Of Dancing With Your Shadow
Life, if well lived, is long enough. Lucius Annaeus Seneca
In prehistoric times, most people didn’t live past their 30s, yet here I am, feeling like I’m only just beginning to truly live. Evolution works in curious ways—after hundreds of millions of years of short life spans, it’s only in the last couple of hundred years that we’ve gained the luxury of time to explore what life has to offer. But one question still lingers: what truly makes a life worth living? I know I’m not alone in wondering—entire generations are searching for answers that resonate with them.
With access to more knowledge than ever before, we should, in theory, have all the tools to answer any question we face. While diving deep into the endless rabbit hole of internet information, I stumbled upon a fascinating story about self-awareness by Adrian Iliopoulos. It led me to a groundbreaking revelation from biologist Robert Sapolsky: the frontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, self-control, and complex thought—is the last to fully develop.
The frontal cortex in humans doesn’t fully mature until around age 25, which explains a lot of behaviour in freshman dorms. Until then, our decision-making abilities are limited, often leading us to act on impulses rather than thoughtful consideration. Many of the choices we make in our youth are driven by this underdeveloped understanding, resulting in uncertainty, exploration, mistakes, and self-discovery.
Yet, despite this natural process, society pushes us to define who we want to become during this still-developing phase of life. Many of us make major, life-changing decisions without fully understanding who we are at that age. We’re encouraged to follow a predetermined path, convinced that fulfilment and happiness await us when we finally “arrive.”
In doing so, our personalities fragment, much like a shattered mirror reflecting only pieces of who we are. Other essential parts remain buried in our unconscious, pushed aside by a society that deems them undesirable. We often conform to societal roles, only to later break free—sometimes in painful and damaging ways. Personally, I don’t believe I will ever truly “arrive,” which is why I want to challenge the notion of a clear destination here in Unscripting Life.
The Search for Meaning
As I connect with others these days, I often hear my peers discussing their mid-life crises. It seems that many of us in our 30s face a crisis every few years. Some dive into triathlons or marathons, while others become consumed by fitness or rush into marriage and parenthood. Some even leave established careers as lawyers after just a few years in the bureaucratic grind, hoping to find happiness in the countryside with chickens and sheep. In our quest to fill the emptiness that often arises in adulthood, we seek solace in these achievements, believing they will provide a deeper sense of purpose.
However, I believe that true fulfilment doesn’t stem from external accomplishments but rather from understanding ourselves and embracing our passions. I don’t think we are born with a predetermined purpose or that there’s an inherent meaning to our existence. Nature operates according to its own whims, often in harsh and unforgiving ways. Since my frontal cortex fully developed, I’ve spent nearly a decade searching for that meaning—sometimes unconsciously, other times with intention. This journey has been challenging, marked by crises, frustration, realisations, and coming to terms with my own limitations.
One important realisation I’ve had is that, in my youth, I often tried to please society. I believe I’m not alone in this struggle. Society is a complex and abstract concept; it feels almost non-existent, yet it deeply impacts our lives and creates the illusion of “purpose.” While this can be helpful, especially when our frontal cortex isn’t fully developed, it can also become a double-edged sword.
As we grow and gain psychological maturity, societal pressure can shift from being a helpful guide to becoming a harmful adversary—especially for those of us who have a strong sense of empowerment and identity and refuse to conform. This is when self-awareness really starts to shine, becoming our ultimate guiding compass.
Understanding Yourself
As mentioned in the story about self-awareness:
a self-aware individual is a conscious one, equipped to navigate their inner landscape. Those who avoid self-exploration risk being trapped by their own ignorance, ultimately facing the consequences that come with it.
I think the author captures it perfectly. His story prompted me to delve even deeper into my inner world. Even before coming across Adrian’s story, I had already discovered the concept of the “Shadow,” introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. I can honestly say this idea has been incredibly helpful in my quest to understand not only who I am, but also who I’m not—the persona I mask when I hide my true identity from the world.
So, what’s the shadow?
It’s the hidden, “dark side” of our personality. It’s called dark not just because it’s hidden, but because we have to dig deep into our psyche to uncover it. This shadow holds all our fears, desires, and impulses—things like sexual lust, the desire for power, selfishness, greed, envy, and anger—operating beneath our conscious awareness. We can’t truly achieve self-actualisation unless we confront our shadow, understand it, and learn to integrate it into who we are. These shadow qualities are just as valuable as the traits society embraces.
In the past decade, I’ve become increasingly aware of my emotions, and many of them no longer felt okay. The more I explored who I was and what I wanted from life, the more I realised how little I truly understood. I started to notice a tightness in my chest, sometimes even a painful sting, during certain situations or interactions—not because I was ill, but because my darker side was yearning to surface after years of suppression in response to those moments. These aspects of ourselves are often buried deep within our psyche by parents, teachers, and others who cautioned us with phrases like, “Don’t be like this,” “Don’t be angry,” or “This isn’t how ladies behave” during formative moments in our lives.
Dancing with Your Shadow
What I’ve increasingly become aware of is my shadow self. I learned that the best way to truly understand ourselves is through psychoanalysis—delving into our past and the key events that shaped who we are today. Those intense, undeniable feelings—triggers—pushed me to explore my true self, allowing my shadow to gradually express itself in a controlled way. Often, these triggers are activated when we notice our shadow qualities reflected in the behaviour of someone we know, as if we’re seeing ourselves in them. That’s when the real analysis begins.
As I began to befriend my shadow, I started to see why people behave the way they do, often projecting their fears and impulses onto others. Suddenly, everything clicked, and I found myself recognising these patterns everywhere. For instance, every time my mother said, “You’ll regret this in the future,” it was a projection of her own buried fears onto me. That doesn’t mean she didn’t succeed in instilling a fear of regret in me—I’m really scared of it. But I’ve learned that I don’t want to make big decisions out of fear; I want to choose out of love instead.
Finding Freedom in the Bad Girl
A prime example of my shadow is the “good girl” image that society instilled in me. Over time, it felt more and more overshadowed by my “bad girl” side, which became more dominant during my teens and into my 20s. In many ways, she controlled me like a puppeteer pulling the strings of my actions. There’s always an opposite side to the qualities society deems acceptable. This inner struggle led me to unhealthy behaviours, like drinking too much and picking up bad habits such as smoking and experimenting with drugs, which pulled me into underground and illegal scenes. I still enjoy drinking, but now in moderation, I no longer indulge destructively. And I still enjoy exploring those hidden, exciting places because the “bad girl” is part of who I am, and I find society’s normality incredibly boring. But now I approach these experiences with conscious intent and a sense of balance, making sure to integrate healthy habits into my life, like regular exercise and a balanced diet. And yes, I’ve also quit smoking.
Just think about it—would you rather go to a festival rave with tickets that say "no drugs allowed," or one that says "know your limits"? You don't even have to be someone experimenting with drugs. It's about the vibe, the freedom! Yeah, that's my shadow side talking. I can absolutely see her reflected in Miss Bashful. The bad girl in me is like armour, giving me the strength to stay grounded through tough family situations, where some members are drowning in their own shadows, unable to take the wheel of their lives. She also acts as my compass, guiding me to walk away from friends who’ve gradually turned into takers—something I hadn’t truly seen until now.
Shifting From Conflict to Compassion
As these realisations fall into place, one by one, I'm slowly cultivating more inner harmony and a deep sense of peace, resolving conflicts that have weighed on my life for far too long. Even something as simple as the “silent treatment”—which I could practically have a certificate in—started to make sense. It’s an angry response from my inner child, the part of me that feels hurt and keeps getting wounded by the other person’s lack of self-awareness and repeated behaviour patterns, all while feeling unheard. This understanding has helped me approach my interactions with more empathy. The key was to let my inner child express itself in a calm and understanding way—not the way my parents did, because let’s face it, they didn’t know any better.
My biggest realisation is that this is a lifelong journey, and I still have a long way to go in fully integrating my shadow into who I am. I’ve learned that when those intense feelings surface, that’s the exact moment I need to pay attention and start exploring. Each time this happens, I find myself dancing with my shadow. This dance isn’t always easy; it often brings pain, discomfort, and uncertainty. Yet, I’ve come to appreciate it as an essential part of my growth. By confronting these feelings, I can better understand the hidden parts of myself and unlock my full potential.
The Hidden Cost of Ignoring Your Shadow
When we fail to integrate our shadow, we risk living fragmented lives, denying crucial parts of ourselves. This can lead to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction, and even self-destructive behaviours as we struggle to reconcile our conflicting identities. Without acknowledging our shadows, we may project our unresolved issues onto others, damaging relationships and perpetuating cycles of misunderstanding.
When we embrace our shadow, it helps us grow and creates deeper connections with the people around us. By acknowledging those hidden parts of ourselves, we can live more authentically and truly accept who we are. If we don’t, we might end up blaming everything on fate, feeling like life is out of our control.
On Becoming Whole
As Plato suggested, truly knowing ourselves helps us better understand what it means to be human. Lately, I’ve felt that this journey is leading me toward something deeper. Is this the meaning I’ve been searching for? To become whole? Carl Jung would probably say yes, but honestly, I’m still unsure. Still, it’s definitely helping me in my search—or maybe in the creation of myself. Because in the end, I’m starting to think life isn’t just about finding oneself; it’s about becoming who we truly are.
Self-Expression
One of the most powerful ways to let your shadow shine is through art. I’ve noticed that some of my peers in their 30s struggle with depression, and honestly, I believe we all experience it to some degree at different times. Here's something that helps me navigate those weird, heavy moments:
What’s the opposite of depression? Self-expression. Our shadow qualities crave to be expressed, especially during tough times when they’re literally pressed down—de-pressed—creating emotional tension. It’s up to us to make space for them to surface, and by doing so, we take a step closer to becoming whole.
We live in an era rich with tools for self-expression, allowing us to share our voices in so many ways. Platforms—literal self-expression machines driven by creators—enable us to produce value from virtually nothing. Every Instagram Post reflects our deep desire for connection, showing the different ways we communicate with each other. Unscripting Life, for instance, is my personal outlet, a way to share ideas I’ve been reflecting on for a long time. I’m not bothered by follower counts, but if I can connect with just one person through these ideas, my week is complete.
You Are a Creator at Heart
We admire certain artists in museums for having the privilege to express themselves, backed by patrons who gave them the tools and resources they needed in a time long before digital tech. But today, we’re all creators in our own way. Modern platforms give us not just the same tools to create, but often better ones—things that were once only available to a lucky few or not available at all.
This democratization of creativity lets anyone with an idea express themselves without the barriers that used to hold back creative expression. Now, we can share our thoughts and art with the world at the click of a button—and even turn our passions into a way to make a living. Whether it’s writing, photography, storytelling, music, or visual arts, we all get the chance to show our unique perspectives and let our shadows shine.
A Life Without Regrets
A life well lived is a life well spent. Looking back on everything, I’ve realised that true fulfilment comes from creating. The act of making gives us the space to feel whole again and release emotional turmoil. As David Speed, the master of creativity, puts it, the most important word in the human language is “make.” So, grab your tools and start experimenting, expressing, and creating. Paint, write, dance, sing—just let your creativity flow.
Take a moment to explore the overlooked or hidden spaces around you, where people dress, speak, and live freely, expressing their true selves. When I go to underground events, I love seeing the connections that unfold as everyone showcases their unique style, creating a sense of belonging through self-expression. It’s where our shadows get to dance alongside us, free and unrestrained.
And here’s the thing: we don’t have to wait for the “right time” to start creating. Most of us begin making things in childhood, but those passions often fade as we navigate education, careers, and societal expectations. This journey is about rediscovering those passions, digging deep into the hidden parts of ourselves, and creating without fear or hesitation. After all, it’s the things we don’t do that we often regret the most, leaving us with unfulfilled lives.
There’s something about being in your 30s that offers a new kind of freedom—the chance to let go of external pressures and finally focus on what truly matters. It feels like the beginning of a more meaningful journey, one shaped by creativity, connection, and the courage to live authentically—without needing society’s validation. This is a luxury our ancestors never had the time to contemplate; survival left little room for self-discovery or personal growth.
Today, we’re fortunate to have the space to explore these deeper aspects of life and redefine what fulfilment truly means.
Yes, I’m talking to you, my dear Shadow 🖤.
ADRIANA